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Saturday, October 25, 2008
these few days i've been wanting to pen (type) down my thoughts but i nvr got down to doing it. maybe becoz the thought of people reading gets me very conscious of the things i plan to write about. but then again, i think nobody actually reads this anymore. so maybe i shldnt care so much.

stimes i wonder how many people actually know me. nt just as frens who hang out occasionally or those u regularly chat on msn but hardly ever meet up. but know me inside out. which i doubt many people do.

did u know?

- im a listener. i listen. tats all i do esp when im out in a group. if u havent noticed. i like to listen to people talk. i enjoy doing it. but i think theres a part of me chooses not to contribute for the fear that i might say something stupid and be made a joke out of it. actually i dun "think". im pretty sure abt it. so the safest way is to keep quiet and listen. i know tats not a good thing but im built this way. its a personal barrier tat i cant break out of.

- nobody likes to be the butt of the joke. i dun either. but i let my frens do it becoz they're my frens. i dun think i've ever lost my temper at my frens becoz of it unless they were too overboard. wat im trying to say is.... u can make jokes out of me not becoz u can but becoz i let u to. this would bring me to the next point.

- i'd like to think i treat my frens really well. i put in alot of effort for a friendship which i think is worth my time. but stimes i dun feel tat the effort is being reciprocated and i get upset abt it. i know. i brought this upon myself. again, i cant help myself becoz tats the kind of person i am. i just wan everyone to be happy and have a good time. but i've had my fair share of disappointments to know tat tat is not my responsibility to carry and i dun haf the ability to do so either.

- i am not a confrontational person. i simply just cant do it. i lose all the capacity to think, reason and rationalise. i get so nervous i can hear my heartbeat so clearly as though my heart is beating right next to my ear. even if im confronting somebody over msn, i get all nervous and shit which, even until today, is something i canot grasp.

ok the momentum to write this has been disrupted. bye.
glanced at the mirror at 2:45 PM
NEW!
Sunday, October 12, 2008
something new! but somehow the tagboard color and layout look abit off. hmmm.
glanced at the mirror at 9:49 PM